Ice Pirates, The (1984)

This was originally intended to be a serious science fiction film with a $20 million budget. But when MGM (who were experiencing financial difficulties) slashed the budget to $8 million, the script was rewritten as a comedy, which did for science fiction adventure films what Airplane! did for disaster movies.

In the distant future, in a galaxy where water is the most precious commodity, Jason – played by TV star Robert Urich (Dan Tana of Vega$) – is the devil-may-care renegade leader of the titular pirates.

Jason and his band of space buccaneers (including a very young Ron Perlman) are captured by the evil Templars of Mithra while trying to steal two million gallons of ice (which they intend to melt down and sell as water) from a heavily-armed Templar spaceship.

They are sentenced to be “redesigned” (castrated and lobotomised) but are rescued by the beautiful Princess Karina (Mary Crosby, daughter of Bing) – who has her own plans for them.

She wants them to help her find her father, who is rumoured to have found “The Seventh World”, a mythic water planet.

Along the way, the pirates encounter a disembodied head named Weird Wendon (Bruce Vilanch) and a green frog lady with the hots for Jason. Meanwhile, there’s a space herpes creature at large!

Towards the end, Jason’s ship enters a time-distortion field, causing all the occupants to age rapidly. In the course of a single shipboard battle, Jason learns he has fathered a son with Karina; the son grows to manhood; Jason becomes a decrepit old coot barely able to lift his sword against an equally decrepit foe, and the grown son rescues his father . . .

As the ship exits the field, everyone returns to their original age, and they all watch as they approach the Seventh World – which is revealed (of course) to be Earth.

A cross between Star Wars and National Lampoon’s Animal House, it’s energetic, lewd, campy fun, with the robots frequently providing much of the slapstick fun.

Many sets and vehicles from Logan’s Run (1976) were re-used for the film.

The supporting cast is full of people who are good sports but not necessarily good actors (with the exception of Anjelica Huston, who surely must’ve just stumbled onto the set while trying to find her trailer), including Michael Roberts as Jason’s hipster buddy and ex-footballer John Matuszak as a heavily muscled rascal.

Poor old John Carradine appears as the hospitalised leader of the Templars. Owing to his physical decline, this was probably the best kind of role for him at the time. He suffered from painful and crippling rheumatoid arthritis in his later years and died on 27 November 1988, aged 82.

Jason
Robert Urich
Princess Karina
Mary Crosby
Roscoe
Michael D. Roberts
Maida
Anjelica Huston
Killjoy
John Matuszak
Zeno
Ron Perlman
Supreme Commander
John Carradine
Nanny
Natalie Core
Zorn
Jeremy West
Wendon
Bruce Vilanch
Count Paisley
Alan Caillou
Frog Lady
Marcia Lewis
Fitzcairn
Daryl Roach
Lanky Nibs
Robert Symonds
Percy the Robot
Gary Brockette
Patch
Rockne Tarkington
Hymie
Ian Abercrombie
Old Karina
Dolores Albin
Elderly Jason
Hank Worden
Dara
Bonnie Campbell-Britton
Dogbite
John Gillespie
Karina’s Father
Myron Natwick
Doper
Raymond Skipp
Debs
Richard Young
Monk
Ira S. Rosenstein
Pimp Robot (voice)
Ron Taylor

Director
Stewart Raffill