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Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

The actors in Transylvania 6-5000 seem to be under the impression that they are doing something funny. Where they got that idea from is anybody’s guess.

It can’t have come from the screenplay, a series of utterly listless comic setups by Rudy De Luca, who also directed. There is no reason for this material to be funny, so – not surprisingly – it never is.

Reporters Jack Harrison (Jeff Goldblum) and Gil Turner (Ed Begley Jr) – who work for a newspaper that runs headlines like “I Was Dead For A Week And Liked It” – are sent to Transylvania in search of Frankenstein’s monster. The two are hip and diffident enough to take this in their stride.

But once they arrive in Transylvania, they find themselves surrounded by the dopiest of horror-spoof stock characters: Joseph Bologna is a mad doctor; John Byner is a mad butler; and Carol Kane is the butler’s wife – an especially imbecilic sex kitten.

Geena Davis is a sexy vampire who appears to have wandered in from another – much better – movie.

Among the only halfway amusing things in the film are the beast-shaped telephones that play Pennsylvania 6-5000 and the local mayor, who implores the reporters, “If you want to write about us, write about a happy Transylvania – our new sewer system, our skyscraper. It’s six floors high!”

Jack Harrison
Jeff Goldblum
Dr Malavaqua
Joseph Bologna
Gil Turner
Ed Begley Jr.
Carol Kane
Jeffrey Jones
John Byner
Geena Davis
Michael Richards
Donald Gibb
Mac Turner
Norman Fell
Elizabeth Ellison
Teresa Ganzel
Lawrence Malbot
Rudy De Luca
Madame Morovia
Inge Appelt
Inspector Percek
Bozidar Smiljanic
Petar Buntic

Rudy De Luca