Secrets of Sex (1970)

A British Amicus-style anthology with each short story presenting different takes on the battle of the sexes via a combination of horror, sex and comedy. Strangely, the movie is narrated by an Egyptian Mummy (voiced by Valentine Dyall, the famous radio “man in black”).

The first (most graphic) segment features a female photographer (Dorothy Grumbar) and her assistant (Norma Eden) shooting a hunky male model (Anthony Rowlands) in a series of torture chamber-styled photos, culminating in him being bloodily castrated on a device called the “Spanish Horse”.

In the next story, scientist Mary-Clare (Yvonne Quenet) despises her older husband Sacha (Kenneth Benda) for his greed and privilege. Sacha is desperate for a son, and when Mary-Clare discovers she carries an inherited defective gene she knowingly gives birth to a hideously deformed freak for him.

Next, a young man (Mike Britton) catches a female cat burglar (Cathy Howard) looting his house. The bad girl proves too much for our hero who joins her in an amorous shower and some risque bedroom antics. After they have sex, the girl continues robbing him and he threatens to call the police – but they both know things have gone a little too far for that.

The fourth segment, ‘Lindy Leigh’ is a comical spy parody based on a comic strip which first appeared in Mayfair. Lindy (Maria Frost) is a not-very-bright female spy (Agent 28) who makes Playboy‘s Little Annie Fannie look like James Bond.

She crawls around in her panties a lot and ends up locked in a safe with a bunch of other topless bimbos, Agents 1 to 27.

Next up, a “strange young man” (Elliott Stein) rings for a call girl (dolly bird Sue Bond) – who is bemused by his attempts at ‘hip’ speak. But all goes wrong when he gets out his pet lizard, ‘Pangy’ telling her how permissive it would be if the reptile watched them make love – or better still joined in!

The final segment has a dotty old dear (Laurelle Streeter) relating to her new valet (Bob Raymond) how she imprisoned the souls of her former lovers in potted plants.

Only one man escaped her, she says – The new valet is, of course, the very same man, who then proceeds to strangle her.

Released in the US as Bizarre and known in some markets as Tales of the Bizarre and Erotic Tales from the Mummy’s Tomb, this is a film for those who revel in the tasteless and have a love of things they can’t quite explain.

Judge
Richard Schulman
Judge’s Wife
Janet Spearman
Photographer
Dorothy Grumbar
Model
Anthony Rowlands
Photographer’s Assistant
Norma Eden
Steward
George Herbert
Sacha Seremona
Kenneth Benda
Mary-Clare
Yvonne Quenet
Dr Rilke
Reid Anderson
The Nurse
Sylvia Delamere
Cat Burglar
Cathy Howard
Burgled Man
Mike Britton
Lindy Leigh
Maria Frost
Colonel X
Peter Carlisle
Philpott
Stephen Preston
Military Attaché
Graham Burrows
Strange Young Man/The Mummy
Elliott Stein
Call Girl
Sue Bond
Lady in the Greenhouse
Laurelle Streeter
New Valet
Bob Raymond
The Mummy (voice)
Valentine Dyall

Director
Antony Balch